I had grand plans of posting along the way and keeping the blog updated as I traveled 2200 miles across the country but instead, I just let go of the blog for a little while and LIVED, and enjoyed the ride. Let me tell you, it was marvelous. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little blog (and the 3 people who still read it) but it was nice to not think about writing content, or taking time away from living to sit at the computer. I believe I will be doing that more and more. I’ll still update and I’ll always write, because let’s face it, I love it. It will just be when I have time and on no specific schedule and that is okay.
I’m learning so much about myself and the person I still want to become. I’m learning the art of saying “no” because let’s face it, every time you say “yes” to something, you give up minutes, hours, even days of your life. You don’t get those back. So, I’m learning to make every yes count, and every time I say no to something, I make room for an all important yes somewhere else. I’m learning that sometimes you have to say no to things that could be fun and exciting so that you can always say yes to what is most important. The great thing is that each of us gets to decide what is most important and worthy of that yes.
I am learning that busy does not equal productive. I’m learning that silence is good and being alone is awesome. I’m also learning that communication is key and companionship is precious. I’m learning to love more freely and accept more openly. I’m learning that a smile and a kind word go a long way. I’m learning to stop and smell the roses and to slow down and enjoy every minute of every day. I’m learning that I have so much to give and that everyone and everything has value. I’m learning to truly live and love. I’m learning to slow my pace and be more aware. I’m learning that everyone has a past and we all deserve a bright future. I’m learning to embrace my past and accept my mistakes and to truly learn from them. I’m learning that when you start making changes in your life, you will upset others in the process. I’m learning that you cannot allow the opinions of others to dictate how you live your life. Most importantly,
I’m learning to love me.
When you make some of the decisions that I have made in the past year and change your life so drastically, you have to expect a lot of backlash. In the past year, I have had more major changes than you can imagine. You may have already read a few others from early 2013 like my pregnancy and miscarriage. But here are a few more for the past year:
Quit drinking. After years of battling with myself over this, I finally quit drinking. I started going to AA and that program helped me change my life. My faith was huge in the process as well, but following the steps in AA really made me get honest with myself and that was something I had been avoiding for years. Getting honest with myself also led me to the next big decision.
Got divorced from the man I had started dating when I was 18, and married at 22. After nearly 13 years of marriage and 16 years together, we called it quits. I will never use this blog to discuss any details of the why and will only say that it was my decision and I caused my ex an enormous amount of pain and humiliation with how I handled things. That being said, it was the best decision and the right decision and I only wish him the best. He was and is an amazing man and I know he will go on to find the perfect woman for him. One that will be all the things he needs and wants and one far better than I ever was. That is all I will ever say of that – PERIOD.
Made the decision to leave Florida and start a new life in Arizona with my boyfriend. After living in the same state for my entire life, 35 years, the state where almost all of my family and friends live, making the decision to move was not one I took lightly. Moving across the country with a new boyfriend, after having just divorced, well I’m not stupid, I know how it looks. That being said, it was the best decision I could have made and I did so with a true peace in my heart.
Quit the job I had been at for 8 years in order to move across the country. I truly had it made at work. I worked for an attorney that had been in practice for over 30 years and decided he wanted to go off on his own and start his own firm and I’m grateful that he asked me to come along. I had only worked for him for a couple months when that decision was made and less than a year from my start date, he opened his own firm. Working for someone for that amount of time brings a closeness and a bond and he was a good man. The firm was small – just he and I. He was the most honest attorney you will ever meet. Brilliant and witty, understanding and generous. I was blessed with that amazing job and it was a torturous decision to quit to move to Arizona. I know I made the right decision but will miss my attorney, that job and will forever be grateful for what he taught me in those 8 years. Lessons that will carry me far in life.
So you see, I sort of made some radical changes in the past year. I’m now living in Arizona, 2200 miles away from friends and family, in a State where I have only my boyfriend and his friends to surround myself with. I came here not really knowing anyone – except a few of his friends I had gotten to know “through Facebook” – if that counts. I don’t yet have friends here – not in the true sense of the word since no one knows me yet. I have no family here. I have a job lined up but have not started yet. My life has changed directions drastically, dramatically and seemingly in an instant. But instead of being scared and sad, I’m excited and happier than I have ever been. Please don’t take that as me saying I don’t miss my friends and family. That is not the case. I miss them very much. But as a 35-year-old woman, I have finally decided to live my life FOR ME. I prayed about my decision and I have a peace about where I am, who I am with and this journey that I am on. I’m excited for what the future holds and I’m in a relationship with someone who I never thought was possible. I’m with someone who truly lets me be me – 100%. I’m with someone who shares and communicates with me and loves me with a fierceness that seems almost tangible. I’m with someone who challenges me and encourages me. I’m with someone who knows all my flaws, all my sins, all my shortcomings and failures. He knows all the dirty secrets of my marriage and the person I was and had been. He knows about my drinking and all the stupid and reckless things I have done in my past because of drinking. And yet he still loves me, still chose me, still admires and respects me. That kind of honesty in a relationship is amazing, a true gift. To know that you can tell the person you are with ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and work through it all – well I just can’t describe how awesome that is for me.
I’ve lost friendships and family relationships over my decisions. That part hurts. But change scares people. Sometimes by making a change in your own life, you make someone else examine their life and what they see may scare them. I’m taking control of my life and I think it scares people. But I can’t allow the feelings of someone else to dictate my life. Just like I can’t tell someone else how they should live their life and what is right for them. The flip side to that is that I have had many come to me and tell me they admire and respect my decisions. So many have said they are too scared or too weak to make necessary changes in their own lives. Whether its addressing a drinking problem or a marital issue or a dead-end job – too many people are scared to take control. The right decision is not always the easy decision. Making the right decision is always right though.
This turned into a much deeper post than it was intended so if you made it this far, I applaud you. I’ll try to wrap this up with a pretty bow and move on. With all of these changes in my life, expect a different tone to my blog, expect new adventures and life lessons and expect honesty as I start over in a new place, with a new man and start loving myself again. I plan on living life to the fullest out here. I plan on getting stronger, and healthier, physically, emotionally and spiritually and I plan to grow as a person in every way that I can. I’ve lived in an unhappy place for too long, and now is the time for me to truly live and be free and happy!
I hope you will stick around for the ride.