Humbled and Thankful

I was truly humbled yesterday, and it made me do some serious thinking. I have struggled with infertility for almost 9 years.  The longer it goes on, the harder it gets.  Often times I feel alone and frustrated.  Afraid to talk about it (who wants to hear me complain again about the injustice of it all…) but needing to talk about it.

This little Facebook status got to me…big time:

Shirley posted to  Wilder

My new year’s resolution #1:

Wow.  Obviously I cried when I read that.  I was touched, humbled and so thankful, and a little convicted too.  Why?  Because there are times I know I allow myself to have a pity party and tell myself no one gets it, no one wants to hear it, I’m all alone…blah, blah, blah!

For my sister to tell me that she is committing to pray EVERY SINGLE DAY this year that the Lord will bless us with a child…well, call me humbled!  And then, on top of that, to have others join in that commitment with her? I have no words for how amazing that made me feel.   It made me stop and acknowledge that I am NOT alone.  I know that it in my heart, but sometimes my head likes to tell me otherwise.  I have people that love me, and want this for my husband and I as much as we want it for ourselves.

Infertility is not something I get the luxury of turning off.  I am infertile 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and have been for nearly 9 years.  Sure there are times that I can push it to the back of my mind so that I am not focused solely on that all the time, but it never truly leaves my mind.

I do ask the Lord to bless my husband and I with a child.  But if I am completely honest, I don’t ask enough, certainly not every day.  I tell myself that the Lord knows the desires of my heart, so why do I have to constantly ask Him (the hubs has said the same thing).  He has to be tired of my relentless pleas, right?  He knows my heart.  He sees my pain.  He knows that in nearly 9 years we have had zero pregnancies, zero positive pregnancy tests, 103 months of “trying” and the emotional roller coaster I become after each failed month, thousands of dollars spent with no diagnosis, no answers – He knows all this.  So why do I have to ask every day for something He knows I want more than anything?  I tell myself that I must be being punished, right?  It must not be in His plan for us, right?

These are all lies I tell myself to help “take my mind off” it, to keep me from stressing about another failed month.  But the Bible is clear, in so many places (Psalms 37:4-8, Mark 11:24, James 4:1-4, Philippians 4:5-7, I John 5:14-15) that the Lord wants us to make our requests known, and he WANTS to give us the desires of our heart.

The hubs and I talked about this last night and we decided that together, we are committing in 2013, to pray, EVERY SINGLE DAY, and ask the Lord to bless us with a child.  Does that mean the answer will suddenly be “yes”?  No, it doesn’t.  But I don’t know that it will be “no” either.  It may just continue to be “not yet”.   But spending time in prayer with the Lord will never be a waste of time, no matter what His answer may be.

And if I have people in my life, committing to remember me in prayer daily, then surely I should be committing as well.   I am so thankful for this humble reminder that I am never alone and am surrounded by amazing people who have my back whether I realize it all the time or not.

To my amazing, beautiful sister – thank you for standing in the gap for me!